


Most of All

by silverstorms



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: 5th year baz, Angst, Emotions, M/M, SnowBaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverstorms/pseuds/silverstorms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5th-year Baz struggles with his emotions. Takes place shortly after he tries to kill Simon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Most of All

It’s nearly midnight when he comes into our bedroom, tear-stained and shaking from the cold, and I’m so disconcerted by the sight of him that I freeze in place. Normally, I’d already have some witty, cruel remark in place, something about the tear tracks on his cheeks and his trembling hands.

But this is different. Normally, he’d be giving me those glances, the ones that say _I know you’re up to something and I’m going to find out what it is_ , but tonight he’s completely silent, and doesn’t give even a single glance in my direction.

Instead, he stumbles over to his bed, yanks his shirt off, and collapses onto it, face-first. He’s still shaking from head to toe and I know just from watching him that it’s all because of me-- it’s all because of what I did.

It makes my stomach churn, too, just thinking about. Philippa bloody Stainton. Tiny, inconsequential, innocent Philippa Stainton. I can’t close my eyes without seeing her face-- or his. With his wide, horrified eyes.

He hates me. He’s always hated me. He thinks I tried to kill him, two years ago… but that’s different, somehow. He’s never looked at me like he did today, with so much horror in his eyes…

He’s always hated me. But he’s never looked at me like I’m a monster. Not until today.

A monster.

You have no idea, Simon Snow. No idea at all.

After a while, he crawls under the covers, still without looking at me. He’s still shaking. He probably walked around for hours and hours, even though it’s bloody freezing outside. Stupid Snow. Stupid, stupid Snow.

I watch him fall asleep. I don’t know why. I don’t know anything anymore. There’s something soothing about it, listening as his breath grows slower and heavier, until it’s deep and even and he’s not shaking anymore.

I get up and turn off the light, then slip back into bed and lie there in the dark. For a few minutes, I fight the urge to look at him. Then I give in and roll over onto his side and stare at him through the darkness. (I can see in the dark. It’s one of the few things I don’t mind about the whole vampire thing.)

He’s a little bit more peaceful in his sleep, but not by much. After just a few minutes, the blankets all end up in a heap at the end of the bed, and then he’s just lying there on his side. A frown on his sleeping face, a crinkle in his brow… even in sleep, he’s worried about something. My eyes are fixed on him…

He’s shirtless.

There’s a tightness in my chest, a hollow ache, a profound and painful wanting. But I don’t know what it is that I want. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why the sight of makes my skin buzz, why being close to him makes me feel tense and tight and painful and anxious and… and a thousand other things.

A thousand things, and none of them make sense.

Nothing makes sense.

I close my eyes and bury myself in my own blankets, trying to shut it all out, but it’s no use. Snow will always be there when I open my eyes. Snow is always there, the stupid, irritating prat.

(In the back of my mind, slowly burning a hole in me, is the thought that sometimes I want him to be there.)

(That’s the thing that frightens me most of all.) 

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love!
> 
> Shoot me a message if you want my Tumblr url (aka my Snowbaz trashcan.)


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